So yes, I have these two half sisters that I've never met. Huh? How about that. I can't get over how unusual that is, even though it's something I've known about for probably my whole life.
My mom had me when she was 19 and single. She and my natural father had grown up together- the Boxerbaums (she) and the Holbrooks (him) of Madison, Ohio. I've seen early yearbook photos of him, but I can't really tell if I resemble him or not. Apparently I was conceived on an acid trip, New Year's Eve, 1977-78. They didn't stay together, then she was pregnant, but he was still gone, the end of that. That's the story as I've understood it, and to be honest I don't know if it's the absolute and complete, or how tainted it is by time and confusion. I've never met him, and I've never particularly missed him, to be honest. In that situation, I just don't really feel a need or a longing for something that was never there. As much as I employ self-delusion as a defense mechanism in most areas of my life, that's something I feel pretty confident that I actually mean.
Reflecting, it's remarkable how little I know. I've gathered things here and there. I know that after my mom got pregnant, my grandma (my mom's mom, the only person I ever considered to be my grandma) went ape-shit and completely pushed his family out. I remember meeting his mother only once, after my real grandmother had died. We were at the county fair, I was maybe 18, and we ran into her. She and my mom talked. She was getting something out of her pocket or something and said to me, "Here, hold this for Grandma." I didn't like it. She seemed nice enough. I don't know what is was like for her. Her name is Joan. I'm guessing she's still alive, because I'm assuming I would hear if she wasn't. I think her husband's name was Ira, and I remember there was a picture of him fishing in the local newspaper, not because he was well-known, but just to illustrate an article about spring weather, or something. Again, I'm guessing he's alive but don't really know. I'm pretty sure they're divorced.
Maybe my father felt like he couldn't have seen me or had a relationship with me even if he tried. From what I've heard, my real grandmother (my mom's mom) was a formidable woman. I remember hearing he was in Texas, and Florida. I remember when I was younger my mom referring to him as a junkie, and me telling Megan Mlachak in kindergarten that my dad was a junkie, and her telling our teacher on me, because she misunderstood and thought I was calling our teacher a junkie. I didn't know what it meant and I'm sure Megan didn't, but I knew it was not what you wanted your father to be. Regardless, I'm guessing that he was one, at least at some point, if not longer, if not still.
I don't remember the first time I heard of Megan and Lindsay, his daughters, but it's farther back than I remember, early childhood. That's all I know of them. Their names are Megan and Lindsay, and I'm guessing that they're between the ages of 24-27, based on my memories. I think about them sometimes, and then I don't think about them for a long time, and then I'll be writing a paper or something and suddenly get an urgent need to look them up on the internet. Their names are not uncommon, and I have no idea if I'm spelling them correctly, or where in the world they might be. I remember last summer thinking I might have found one of them on MySpace, and thinking about emailing her, but I didn't. What would I say? I don't know if I want to have a relationship with them, or even meet/know them. I just want to know who they are. I think I want that. I think if I just knew who they were, I might then forget about the whole thing forever, to be truthful.
It's strange to think that there are two women out there who technically are the same relation to me as my brother and sister, with whom I share the same mother but a different father. I've never thought of my brother and sister as anything but a whole part of me. If I met Megan and Lindsay, would they be my "family"? Would I automatically love them? You love your family, at least until they do something to make you not love them, and then you still sort of do. If someone is a stranger, are they still your family? If someone is your family, are they not a stranger?
Because of my strange intimacy issues, I can't really talk to my mom or my aunt about this. My mom and I haven't discussed the topic in years as far as I can recall, but my aunt brings it up at awkward times, like in the supermarket checkout. She remembers my father well and would like for me to meet him. I think she's sorry that the two families were divided and would like to see him again herself. I don't know how my mom feels. About anything, really, let alone this.
I've really never felt like I've been missing anything, with regards to family. The primary father figure I ever had, my mom's ex-husband, my brother and sister's father, was a very troubled man I don't see anymore except in bad dreams, once in a while or frequently, depending on my state of mind. I don't like heavy conversations and don't really want to deal with the situation that would arise from some long-lost "family" coming into my life. But I can't help wondering about those sisters.
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surprised
